What Husbands Miss in Ephesians 5: Nurture Isn’t Optional
Daniel and Sarah sat on opposite ends of my couch.
They looked married—but there was space between them you could feel.
Daniel was a good man. He loved Jesus, worked hard, paid the bills, and prayed before dinner. If danger came, he’d protect his wife in an instant.
But Sarah’s voice was quiet when she said, “I just feel unseen.”
Daniel looked hurt. “I don’t understand. I’m doing everything right. I provide. I pray. What more can I do?”
What Sarah wanted wasn’t more protection. She wanted nurture.
And what Daniel didn’t realize is that nurture isn’t a mother’s job alone. It’s a husband’s calling too.
In Ephesians 5:29, Paul writes, “No one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church.” Those two words—nourish and cherish—show what a husband’s love should look like.
To nourish means to help her grow.
To cherish means to keep her heart warm and safe.
When a husband neglects nurture, the home might be stable but not spiritually alive. His wife may feel safe, but not seen. Paul knew homes need more than protection—they need spiritual warmth.
In this post, we’ll look at what “nourish and cherish” really mean, why many men miss this command, and how rediscovering it can bring healing and joy to your marriage. Because a husband’s strength isn’t measured by control—it’s measured by how much life he helps his wife grow.
What “Nourish and Cherish” Really Means
The Greek Words That Redefine Masculine Love
When Paul wrote to the church in Ephesus, he spoke into a culture where husbands had power but rarely showed affection. He said something radical:
“Husbands, love your wives as your own bodies.”
The Greek word for nourish is ektrephō (pronounced ek-TREF-oh). It means “to feed to full growth.”
The word for cherish is thalpō (pronounced THAL-po). It means “to keep warm, to comfort with care.”
Together, they show that a husband’s job is not just to lead or provide—but to help his wife flourish.
Why Paul’s Command Was Countercultural
In Paul’s time, most men saw marriage as a duty. Few saw it as a place to show deep affection. But Paul called husbands to love like Christ—sacrificially, patiently, and tenderly.
That means a husband’s role is to care for his wife’s heart, not just her home. To create a place where she can rest, trust, and grow.
Think of your wife’s heart like a garden. It doesn’t bloom on its own. It needs water, sunlight, and care—the same attention many men give to their jobs or hobbies. If you ignore it, weeds of resentment and exhaustion grow fast. But when you water that garden with love, patience, and prayer, beauty returns.
A nurturing husband doesn’t just do things for his wife—he builds her up in Christ.
Christ as the Model of a Nurturing Husband
Jesus Shows Strength Through Tenderness
When Paul says, “Just as Christ does the Church,” he points to the perfect example.
Jesus didn’t rule with fear. He led with love.
He fed the hungry, healed the sick, and spoke kindly to the broken. He wasn’t distant—He drew near.
The Son of God washed His disciples’ feet. That’s real leadership.
Nurture isn’t weakness; it’s strength under control.
It’s using your power to lift someone else higher.
Nurture as the Heart of Christlike Leadership
Jesus’ love always built others up.
He didn’t just teach; He touched.
He didn’t just lead; He served.
A husband who follows Jesus loves the same way.
He listens before speaking.
He protects by caring.
He leads by serving.
Mark, one of my clients, decided to start sending his wife one Bible verse each morning with a short note: “I’m praying this for you today.”
It wasn’t big, but it built connection. Within weeks, his wife said she felt more spiritually supported than ever before.
So, husbands—ask yourself: “Does my strength make my wife feel safe and loved?”
Because true headship looks like Jesus on His knees, washing feet in love.
Why Many Husbands Neglect the Call to Nurture
How Cultural Stereotypes Distort Biblical Masculinity
Many men never learned how to nurture.
From childhood, they hear, “Be tough,” “Don’t cry,” “Man up.”
Even in church, men are praised for leading and providing—but rarely for tenderness.
That makes emotional closeness feel strange or weak.
But Scripture says the opposite: strength is proven through love that listens and lifts.
When men redefine masculinity by the example of Christ, they find freedom. True manhood is not about hardness—it’s about holiness.
Emotional Avoidance and the Fear of Intimacy
Some men stay distant because they’ve never seen healthy affection. Maybe their fathers didn’t express love openly. Maybe emotions felt unsafe.
But God calls husbands to step past fear and into faith.
Nurture begins when you decide to be present—to care for your wife’s emotions like you care for her safety.
Chris, a husband I once coached, shared how his wife shut down whenever they argued. He used to push harder until she withdrew completely. When he learned to simply say, “That sounds really hard, tell me more,” she began opening up again. That’s what nurture does—it makes room for hearts to heal.
Reclaiming Headship as Servant-Hearted Leadership
Headship isn’t about control; it’s about care.
Paul never told men to rule or lead their wives—he told them to love them as Christ loved the Church.
That means serving her needs, protecting her heart, and leading her toward Jesus.
When a man learns to nurture, he becomes strong enough to love deeply and humbly.
“The measure of a husband’s strength isn’t how much power he holds—it’s how much life he helps his wife grow.”
How Nurturing Love Transforms Marriage
Emotional Safety: The Foundation of Lasting Intimacy
When a wife feels safe, she opens her heart.
When she knows she’ll be heard instead of judged, she trusts more fully.
Jesus welcomed people with compassion. A husband should do the same for his wife.
Gentle listening builds emotional safety—the soil where intimacy grows.
According to research from the Gottman Institute, couples who make daily emotional connections—small moments of empathy or gratitude—are 80% more likely to stay happily married. That’s the fruit of nurture.
Spiritual Growth and Shared Discipleship
A nurturing husband helps his wife grow closer to God.
He prays with her. He reads Scripture beside her.
He doesn’t preach at her—he walks with her.
When a couple seeks God together, their love deepens in every way.
Faith becomes the center of their marriage, not an afterthought.
The Link Between Emotional Nurture and Physical Closeness
Tenderness builds connection.
When a woman feels loved, seen, and valued, she can relax and draw close.
Emotional care often leads to greater affection and unity.
God designed physical intimacy to flow from love that nourishes both body and soul.
Daily Habits of a Nurturing Husband
Ask, “How can I serve you today?”
Speak encouragement every day.
Take a few minutes each night to pray together.
Say “I’m sorry” quickly and mean it.
Protect her time to rest and restore.
These small acts build trust, peace, and joy.
When you choose to nurture your wife, you build a home where both hearts can heal and grow.
Common Objections and Biblical Clarifications
Does Nurture Belong Only to Women?
No. God created both men and women to reflect His image.
And God Himself nurtures His people. Psalm 103:13 says,
“As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear Him.”
Nurture is not feminine—it’s divine.
Does Tenderness Make Men Weak?
True tenderness takes courage.
It’s easier to hide behind silence than to open your heart.
But Jesus wept. David poured out his soul. Paul spoke with tears.
Strong men aren’t afraid to love deeply.
What True Headship Really Means
Biblical headship is not about being the boss.
It’s about being the first to serve.
Christ didn’t demand power; He gave it up for love.
That’s what it means to lead your wife—through sacrifice, humility, and care.
Conclusion — Man Enough to Nurture
One evening Daniel came home and tried something new.
He turned off his phone, sat beside Sarah, and asked, “How’s your heart tonight?”
Tears filled her eyes—not because she was sad, but because she finally felt seen.
That moment changed their marriage.
That’s the quiet power of a nurturing husband.
He reflects the love of Christ every time he chooses tenderness over pride.
To nourish your wife means helping her grow closer to Jesus.
To cherish her means keeping her heart warm and safe.
Here’s a quick reminder:
Nurture is not optional—it’s a husband’s command.
Nurture takes courage—to listen, to care, to connect.
Nurture transforms marriage—because love that feeds the soul always brings life.
So, husbands—how will you nurture her this week?
Maybe it’s asking how she feels. Maybe it’s praying with her before bed. Maybe it’s listening without fixing.
Every act of nurture echoes the heart of Christ.
If this message spoke to you, share it with a friend or leave a comment below.
Let’s help more Christian men rediscover that being strong and being tender were never meant to be opposites—they were always meant to walk hand in hand.
Because the truest sign of a godly man isn’t how much authority he holds—it’s how much life he helps others grow.
Reflection Questions
How does your wife feel most cared for and seen?
What one small way can you “nourish and cherish” her this week?
When was the last time you prayed with your wife instead of only for her?
