Strong Enough to Nurture: A Biblical Call for Husbands and Fathers (Ephesians 5–6)
The Misunderstood Masculine Mandate
If you ask most Christian men what their role is in the family, you’ll get answers like “lead, protect, provide.” Those are valid, but too often they become a full stop rather than a starting point. In Ephesians 5–6, Paul paints a richer, more beautiful picture: men are called not only to lead, but to nourish and cherish—to love with strength and tenderness.
Many men live under the weight of performance: “How much can I achieve? How well can I provide?” But when leadership is disconnected from care, the home becomes a place of tension, distance, or duty—not of life. Without tenderness, leadership becomes lonely. Without empathy, authority feels hollow. This blog post invites you to move beneath the surface of cultural expectations and into the heart of the gospel, where true headship is measured not by control but by care and devotion.
What if true leadership is less about getting things done and more about helping others flourish? What if our families don’t need louder men but warmer ones—husbands and fathers who are strong enough to be gentle, humble enough to listen, and brave enough to love well? That’s the challenge and invitation of Paul’s vision: to lead through nurture, not domination.
“Nourish and Cherish”: What Paul Really Meant (Ephesians 5:29)
Paul writes: “For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church.” (Eph. 5:29). Two verbs—ektrephei (nourish) and thalpei (cherish)—carry the weight of his meaning.
Ektrephei means “to feed to maturity, to bring up.” It’s used later in Ephesians 6 when Paul tells fathers to bring up their children in the Lord, linking husbandly care and parental nurture. This is relational language: feeding, cultivating, attending to growth. Thalpei means “to warm, to tenderly care for”—a metaphor of intimacy, protection, closeness. It’s not enough to feed; one must also shelter, warm, and be present.
So when Paul says husbands should nourish and cherish their wives, he’s not issuing a sentimental command. He’s describing a holistic, incarnational love—one that sustains and protects, warms and builds up. This is precisely how Christ cares for the church: by sustaining her through Word and Spirit, drawing her close in grace, and growing her toward maturity.
Too often men think love is sacrifice without tenderness, discipline without warmth. But Christ’s love is both cross and cradle—strong enough for pain, gentle enough for comfort. To love like Jesus is to nurture like Jesus—to help your wife flourish through kindness, understanding, and steady affection. That’s not softness. That’s the strength of the incarnate God.
From Household Code to Heart Code (Ephesians 6:4)
Paul shifts to fathers: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Eph. 6:4). Notice—“bring them up” comes from the same Greek root as nourish earlier. He’s not telling fathers to command from a throne, but to cultivate from the heart.
In the first-century world, fathers often ruled their households with absolute authority. Paul rewrites that model. He warns against provoking children and invites fathers instead to guide them with patience and instruction. His goal isn’t mere compliance, but character formation. The Christian father doesn’t crush will—he cultivates heart.
Consider two fathers: one who yells orders, demands obedience, and punishes harshly; another who sits beside his child, listens to fears, then corrects with love and clarity. The first may get superficial obedience. The second builds trust, resilience, and maturity.
Modern psychology backs this up. Children who experience emotional attunement, consistent boundaries, and secure attachment with their fathers tend to grow into adults with healthier self-esteem, more relational flexibility, and deeper faith. John Gottman and others underscore that engaged, responsive parenting builds emotional health and resilience in children.
Thus when Paul commands fathers to bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord, he’s describing deeply relational formation—not authoritarian rule. Fathers are called to teach truth in the context of tenderness.
The Christlike Model of Masculine Nurture
Jesus shows us exactly what nurturing leadership looks like. He doesn’t dominate his disciples; he walks with them. He doesn’t lord over their hearts; he lays down his life for them. He instructs, heals, comforts, rebukes—all with the posture of love.
Remember: Jesus washed the disciples’ feet—dirty, stinky, lowly tasks—while wearing the authority of the Son of God. On His knees, with a towel in hand, the Lord of the universe touched dirty feet. That act redefined greatness: not as dominance, but as humble service, as tender care.
He also wept over Jerusalem, grieving the hardness of hearts. He invited children to come, and touched lepers when others recoiled. His leadership is relational, incarnational, vulnerable.
Take Joseph, too: he protected Mary and Jesus by fleeing to Egypt, providing safety, guiding them in faith through uncertain terrain. Or David: the shepherd-king whose imagery is full of care—“He tends his flock like a shepherd; he gathers the lambs in his arms.” (Isaiah 40:11). And ultimately, God the Father is “compassionate and gracious,” slow to anger, abounding in steadfast love.
These are not soft traits—they are sacred ones.
From the psychological angle, healthy masculinity harmonizes agency (initiative, strength) with communion (empathy, connection). When men over-emphasize one side, either they dominate or withdraw. But Christ shows us the perfect union: power that protects, presence that nurtures.
For husbands and fathers, this means leadership begins not with authority but with care. Be the emotional and spiritual thermostat of your home—set the climate with tone, tenderness, and trustworthiness. Lead not by raising your voice, but by raising others up.
Counterpoint: Is Nurture Too “Soft”?
I know some men hear nurture and feel uncomfortable. “Isn’t that soft? Isn’t that what wives do? Doesn’t it erode my authority?” These concerns are real and understandable—but they misunderstand both Scripture and human flourishing.
First, Scripture uses deeply tender images of God’s love. “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast? Even if she could, I will not forget you.” (Isaiah 49:15). Jesus laments over Jerusalem as a mother hen longing to gather her chicks (Matthew 23:37). The God who commands armies also wipes away tears. These metaphors show that divine care is not a weakness—it’s part of His being.
Second, tenderness doesn’t mean passivity. A man can hold firm boundaries and pursue justice while being emotionally present and compassionate. Nurture refines authority—it doesn’t dissolve it. The strength to guard, to stand, to lead—all can be expressed through gentleness.
Third, the data confirm it: emotionally engaged fathers raise more confident children with fewer behavioral issues. Children whose fathers are intrusive, emotionally distant, or disengaged show greater risk for peer problems and emotional dysregulation. Because relational safety forms the soil for growth, emotional awareness and care strengthen, rather than weaken, leadership.
So nurture isn’t femininity—it’s discipleship. Real strength is not emotional absence but emotional presence with boundaries. The world doesn’t need more men who hide behind hardness—it needs more men who are strong enough to be tender.
Practicing Nurture in Marriage and Family
Let’s move from theology into practice. How do husbands and fathers live this command? Here are five habits—daily rhythms of nurture—that can shape your home into a sanctuary, not simply a battleground.
Presence over Performance. Your family doesn’t need your perfection—they need your presence. Be where your feet are. At dinner, turn off the phone. In conversation, listen first. Five minutes of full attention outweighs hours of distracted effort.
Emotional Attunement. Don’t rush to fix. Ask: “How did that feel for you?” or “What’s going on inside?” Simple curiosity, without judgment, builds emotional safety and connection.
Spiritual Guidance. Lead devotionally, not doctrinally. Pray with, not at, your family. Let your faith be seen in humility, vulnerability, and consistency more than in lectures.
Affection and Affirmation. Speak life. Use touch—hugs, hand-on-shoulder, gentle encouragement. Say “I’m proud of you,” “I see you,” “I love you.” These small words echo forever.
Repair Quickly. When you mess up—and you will—say “I’m sorry” first. Own your part. Apologizing models humility, not weakness. It teaches grace more powerfully than many sermons.
These habits together create a climate where hearts open, not shrink. Every moment of attunement—listening, comforting, affirming—rewires relational wiring. As one wise pastor put it, “Nurture is discipleship with skin on.”
The Strength to Cherish: A Closing Challenge
Picture it: a father’s rough hands cradling his newborn’s face, or a husband kneeling beside his wife in tears, holding her quietly. That is not weakness. That is Christlike strength.
Paul’s vision for men is radical. He calls us to reject both passivity and pride—to lead through love, to guard through tenderness, to guide through grace. The world doesn’t need louder men; it needs warmer ones. Homes don’t just survive under authority—they flourish under affection.
So, ask yourself: When your wife and children think of you, do they feel nourished or neglected? Cherished or criticized? Safe or silenced? If your answers leave you unsettled, here’s good news: it’s never too late to learn. The same Spirit who empowers you to lead also enables you to love.
Maybe you didn’t grow up seeing this kind of nurture. That’s okay. Christ can re-father your heart and teach you to lead with warmth. Start small. Hold close. Speak life. Choose presence over pride. Choose listening over lecturing. Choose repair over retreat.
May our homes become places where strength looks like love and leadership sounds like grace. May we become men whose authority is measured by care, whose power is softened by compassion, and whose presence transforms.
Suggested Citations / References
Pew Research Center, Key facts about dads in the U.S. (2023) — fathers with children spend ~1.02 hours per day caring/helping children (0.36 hours playing, 0.32 hours physical care)
Pew Research Center, Most dads say they spend too little time with their children — ~63% of fathers feel they don’t spend enough time with kids
John Gottman / parenting research — emotional attunement between fathers and children is critical to healthy development
Gottman methods / couple intimacy improvement (Gottman couple therapy)
Pew Research: 46% of fathers say they spend too little time with their children (versus 23% of mothers)
Pew Research: 46% of fathers report under-time with kids; in time-use data fathers spend ~8 hours/week on child care (triple 1965)
